Growing Great Relationships

Shut Down can take on many forms depending on the age of the child, the ability of the parent(s) to enforce the restrictions and the logistics involved.  At times shutting down will inconvenience the adults and we must make sure that the child does not gain power by doing so. Shut Down can take on a number of forms and is either specific (focused) or broad based.  Regardless of the manner, it is an essential tool for a parent to exercise in order to orient a child to the positively need fulfilling practice of problem solving.  However, since the Family Centered Parenting process is based on a foundation of empowering without overpowering, parents should be cautious and thoughtful about using Shut Downs in a way that they become punishments rather than a component of the discipline process.

I’m sure that some of you might be saying that Shut Down is really the same as the well known practice of “time out.”  Granted, that although on the surface it might appear the same as time out, the differences lie in presentation and purpose.  As indicated, Shut Down is imposed only when a child refuses to engage in problem solving and that must be clearly communicated to the child.  Also, Shut Down lasts until the child is ready to engage.  It is not exclusion for a specific period of time.

When as parents we are at the point where Shut Down is necessary, several steps should be followed. Since Shut Down is the only place in Family Centered Parenting when a parent takes complete charge, because of the adult power position, it is essential that this unilateral exercise of power be used with care. If not, we will be modeling behaviors inconsistent with what we are preaching – a certain recipe for failure.  First, we must be very clear, in unemotional and direct terms, why Shut Down is being imposed.  Next, we must be reasonably certain that we can fulfill what we are attempting to do.  For example, if we define Shut Down as being confined to your room we then must be prepared to monitor and takes steps to keep the child in the room.  Lastly, we must make it clear under what circumstances Shut Down will end.

Shut Down means exactly what the words say.  The child’s world is shut down until they are ready to engage in problem solving.  Shut Down can take on different forms depending on the circumstances but the underlying theme remains the same.  The matter at hand is of sufficient importance that no other business can go on until it is responded to.  It may not mean that the issue must be entirely resolved at the moment but that an interim plan has been put into place until the problem can be dealt with in its entirety.

By now many of your are probably saying, “All this process stuff sounds great on paper but in the real world my kid isn’t always going to share at meetings, talk about needs and write plans and contracts.”  The answer is “You’re absolutely right.”   Children will often prefer being scolded or punished to discipline because punishment is quicker and requires less work on their part.  They pay their dues and it is over.  In addition, they often find ways of negotiating their way out of all or part of the punishment because the parent often meted it out in a moment of anger and realizes that it is excessive or inappropriate. Parents need a means that is not punishment but will get the child to the point of processing with them.  In Family Centered Parenting, “Shut Down” is the recommended procedure.