Growing Great Relationships

Tell Them What You Need

jane — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 12:00:33 +0000

This is an example of a parent making her needs known so as to change the status quo in the life of a family. “I must tell all of you how I feel lately. I am unhappy and frustrated in my role as a mother. The way we communicate with each other, with frequent arguments and threats, is personally very upsetting. I don’t feel our love, caring and support for each other coming through. I would like to see this family as place where we all feel connected to each other in a close and positive way. I see our family as a kind of sanctuary from the hardships of life and a place to get the energy to face the challenges life presents. I am committed to doing what is necessary to work with you to make this happen. How about it?”

Persistence And Patience

jane — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 12:00:05 +0000

It is safe to say that implementing Family Centered Parenting will require persistence and patience but that the rewards will far outweigh the effort needed to bring about change. Clearly, those families with relatively young children will have an easier time because the status quo is not yet entrenched. Logically, therefore, families with teenagers will likely experience the greatest resistance to change. In these families patterns and habits are well established. On the other hand, older children do have additional life experiences to bring to the table. Furthermore, the conflicts surrounding the management of teenagers in of itself are often of sufficient magnitude to alter the status quo. This creates the opportunity for change and the creation of new systems within the family.

Parents Are The Change Agents

jane — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 13:28:55 +0000

The status quo can evolve into a pattern of inconsistent fulfillment of responsibilities, parental disapproval, punishment and no change in the overall pattern. Disrupting the status quo by adopting Family Centered Parenting practices will require an initial investment of extra time and energy by parents. Remember that punishment is quicker. Therefore a child will most likely resist having to examine his behavior and to commit to a plan for change. As parents we often experience the dissatisfaction with the status quo before our children. We might have an image of a harmonious family in our minds, either as a result of our own growing up or an ideal we have set for ourselves. Our children might have never experienced or imagined this possibility. Their reality is the day to day life of the current family. Therefore, a parent will most likely be the proponent of change before the children. If this is the case, and it often is, there will be resistance and suspicion about implementing Family Centered Parenting.

Old Habits Die Hard

jane — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 12:00:22 +0000

Established habits and patterns of family life don’t change easily. According to needs theory, these behaviors are the best choices individuals have made to meet their needs at a given point in time. As we have discussed, these choices often have undesired consequences and are at the root of our negative emotions (anger, anxiety, depression). In other words, even if there is a lot of unpleasantness going on in the family, the status quo is an attempt to be need fulfilling. Therefore, things have to get pretty bad before individuals will be willing to give up current habits for new ones.

Implementing Family Centered Parenting Won’t Be Painless

jane — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 16:04:13 +0000

?By now it should be clear that adopting Family Centered Parenting practices will involve a number of transitions in the life of your family that in the short run won’t be painless. The age of the children and the degree a family is already implementing procedures similar to the Family Centered Parenting strategies will determine how smoothly the transition progresses. The long term prospect is that Family Centered Parenting will provide a family life that is positively need satisfying for all family members, increases the joy of raising children and also builds a foundation for creating and maintaining life-long relationships between parent and child.

Be Thoughtful About Using Shut Down

jane — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 12:00:34 +0000

Shut Down can take on many forms depending on the age of the child, the ability of the parent(s) to enforce the restrictions and the logistics involved. At times shutting down will inconvenience the adults and we must make sure that the child does not gain power by doing so. Shut Down can take on a number of forms and is either specific (focused) or broad based. Regardless of the manner, it is an essential tool for a parent to exercise in order to orient a child to the positively need fulfilling practice of problem solving. However, since the Family Centered Parenting process is based on a foundation of empowering without overpowering, parents should be cautious and thoughtful about using Shut Downs in a way that they become punishments rather than a component of the discipline process.

Shut Down is Not Time Out

jane — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 21:41:14 +0000

I’m sure that some of you might be saying that Shut Down is really the same as the well known practice of “time out.” Granted, that although on the surface it might appear the same as time out, the differences lie in presentation and purpose. As indicated, Shut Down is imposed only when a child refuses to engage in problem solving and that must be clearly communicated to the child. Also, Shut Down lasts until the child is ready to engage. It is not exclusion for a specific period of time.

The Shut Down Process

jane — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 12:00:44 +0000

When as parents we are at the point where Shut Down is necessary, several steps should be followed. Since Shut Down is the only place in Family Centered Parenting when a parent takes complete charge, because of the adult power position, it is essential that this unilateral exercise of power be used with care. If not, we will be modeling behaviors inconsistent with what we are preaching – a certain recipe for failure. First, we must be very clear, in unemotional and direct terms, why Shut Down is being imposed. Next, we must be reasonably certain that we can fulfill what we are attempting to do. For example, if we define Shut Down as being confined to your room we then must be prepared to monitor and takes steps to keep the child in the room. Lastly, we must make it clear under what circumstances Shut Down will end.

When Shut Down Happens

jane — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 12:00:21 +0000

Shut Down means exactly what the words say. The child’s world is shut down until they are ready to engage in problem solving. Shut Down can take on different forms depending on the circumstances but the underlying theme remains the same. The matter at hand is of sufficient importance that no other business can go on until it is responded to. It may not mean that the issue must be entirely resolved at the moment but that an interim plan has been put into place until the problem can be dealt with in its entirety.

Why Kids Don’t Like Shut Down

jane — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 12:00:17 +0000

By now many of your are probably saying, “All this process stuff sounds great on paper but in the real world my kid isn’t always going to share at meetings, talk about needs and write plans and contracts.” The answer is “You’re absolutely right.” Children will often prefer being scolded or punished to discipline because punishment is quicker and requires less work on their part. They pay their dues and it is over. In addition, they often find ways of negotiating their way out of all or part of the punishment because the parent often meted it out in a moment of anger and realizes that it is excessive or inappropriate. Parents need a means that is not punishment but will get the child to the point of processing with them. In Family Centered Parenting, “Shut Down” is the recommended procedure.